I had a really good day today. Things have been a little hectic at work bc of problems with cutting hours and other stupid stuff, but were trying to manage. So I go in today and it was just me and Ronnie, for 2 hours at least. We pretty much got nothing done bc 1, were pretty much over it with the gym rn. Don’t know how they think this kind of schedule is going to work out but ooookay. And 2, we were just having a nice time together. Surprisingly. He’s been talking to me about his ex gf? Apparently he had a gf this whole time on and off hahahahah. Idfk, idc. So did I basically. But we talked about whatever, lots of things. He’s gonna take the steps to try to become a trainer, and I think he totally could. He asked if I’d go to him to train me and I said yes hahah. Of course I’d help him out ;) so then I’m just asking him for tips, like what I should do for this and that, and he’s telling me. And we talk about my body. We always do. He’s always telling me I don’t have to starve myself. And idk.. Sometimes it’s in that joking “yah bc you never eat!” Way that friends say, but today it was really different. I can’t even properly recall everything we said because it was so..idk. I’m feeling conflicted. I want to get strong and gain this muscle but I’m terrified of muscle weight, and I was telling him that. And he’s telling me numbers don’t matter, and that no one cares and I’m explaining to him that I care, and that I know I’m the only one who does. And I’m trying to explain that it doesn’t matter if I look really amazing, what if I get on the scale and it says I weigh 140 again? And he’s just like who the hell cares? And I’m telling him I’m scared I’ll never be able to erase years of mental torment, and that numbers may not matter, but it’s all about numbers to me. I’m writing this all out and it’s really sad. When I was talking to him, he just looked kind of sad for me. And like, I don’t need anyone’s pity. I like that he gives me genuine tips. It hurt I guess to see him seem sad for me for once. I don’t mean to make him or anyone else feel bad, because its not like I feel particularly bad. So he asks me how often I weigh myself, and he says he bets I do everyday. But I told him how I never do because my scales broken, and I made a joke that I broke it with my fat ass. And he just shook his head, haha. I realize my dry, dark humor probably sucks the life out of everyone lol. Well then he’s like pleading with me to never weigh myself. That was like his one request (on top of to actually start eating, which he asks me to every time he sees me), to not ever weigh myself. But we all know I can’t do that.
It’s funny, I thought he’d really be such a huge trigger for me. Now he knows my fucking secret and he’s just trying to help me. I feel kind of sad. He’s not being mean at all.
After I got off, Jen and Jamie met me there and we stayed and worked out for a few hours. I still haven’t eaten today =\ idk. I’m not hungry. And when I looked at my body when I got home I really didn’t feel like eating. I’m really trying to transition to a more positive mindset, and I’m hoping getting a bit fit will help that happen, but I’m so 50/50 right now.
I feel nice, I had a great day, but I feel kinda really sad about this too.
12:52 am • 10 March 2014 • 1 note
So work was interesting. I was working with Ronnie and another girl, Maria today. I actually really love Maria and the three of us have a lot of fun when we all used to work together. It was funny bc Ronnie makes a comment asking why he “never works with me anymore” which I thought was weird bc yesterday was the first Friday I didn’t work with him in forever. And Maria goes “he misses you he wants to work with you more” and of course I get so mean and I’m fucking around with him asking why would I want to work with him? LOL. But seriously!! Idk why he wants to work with me. Idk why after our little fight he wants to be bffs again lmao. And Maria asks if we’re the same age and I said no he’s like “my little brother” and he said he couldn’t be my little brother because he’s “hella swole” (lol) and I said it doesn’t matter bc he’s the same age as my little sister. So were going at it (playfully) and I’m like “see why would I want to work with you?” And he brings it up to Maria that we fought hahah and were like “no we actually fought” and were like laughing about it and she’s asking why & he’s like saying bc I swear and that I think I could take him and I’m like “I don’t think that, I just don’t care~” like this little boy just doesn’t know me lmfao. And I added that it was bc he’s a little bitch nigga. It’s funny cuz we were saying all this stuff and no one was actually getting pissed or anything hahah, it was like endearing almost haha. And we’re still going at it and I’m like “and were about to fight again!” And Maria’s just looking at us like we’re crazy..
Ronnie and I are both insane, and tooo similar. We’re both too arrogant ahaha. I think the fighting gets out blood pumping and turns both of us on. Because I know I like makeup sex. But it’d explain why he was tryna be my bestie again the day after our last fight hahahaha. So now whenever it was just me as him, he’s being all touchy feely with me. And hooking his fingers in my jeans aha.
We were all in the break room and he’s eating this kashi cookie and he offers it to me (probably because he thinks I’m anorexic??) and I decline bc I just came back to ask him to do something before he left and he tells me he’ll only do it if I eat this piece of his cookie. I point to the gum in my mouth and he tells me I have a whole pack hahah. He says the cookie is only like 100 cal~ so the piece is only like 20 cal~ so I spit out my gum and he fed the cookie to me HAHAHA and he touched my lips oh god. As they were clocking out I was saying bye to them but then I started talking to Ronnie about our veiny arms (lol) and were just ALWAYS messing around and frickin Maria goes “I’ll let you guys touch each other” ahahah.
I really can’t stand him most of the time but he makes me like ridiculously horny because I’m like 200% attracted to him. Like I just wanna bang one time and get on with things. Can I just have something no strings attached or wat lol
9:56 pm • 8 March 2014
Ok I can really feel and see my body changing. I’m so happy!!!
I’m barely even thinkin about it ;)
4:50 am • 7 March 2014
I’ve been putting off hanging out with mike in favor of going to the gym instead. I could probably stay at the gym all night, but I am the girl that takes everything too far.
I want to start calorie counting again but at the same time I know that if I start that up everything’s just gonna get insane fasssst. And plus, I’m kind of happy now. I’m working out as a way to get out stress I feel. Jen and Jamie’s goals are both weight loss. While I still want to lose 15 or so lbs (more realistically, 20+), I don’t feel justified talking about wanting to lose more weight in front of them. I feel like I’m so toxic for my friends.
2:02 pm • 5 March 2014
I’m really happy where my body is going. At least, I think I am.
All of a sudden, jens gotten really serious about her own diet and fitness. Like actually serious. She’s been going to the gym more than me, and even eating better than me (well that’s debatable, but she probably has considering how little I eat. I just know WHAT to eat better). So now that she’s all serious, it’s soooo much easier on me. No more feeling forced to go out to eat every day mainly. All my slip ups and completely my own. And I’m pretty much barely slipping up bc my only time to is after work right before we go to the gym, and who wants to eat a whole bunch of shit before they go to the gym?
I do feel slightly guilty because Jen was telling me she’s already lost three lbs. I’m stoked for her, I really am, but I also weighed myself and I also lost three lbs, just like that. I just think it’s a little fucked up how she can work so hard and do things the right way, and I can do things how I’m doing it and get the same result. Oh well. I’m sure she will be successful in her fitness journey. I’m already getting fucking buff out of nowhere and I have no idea if its like just from my job, but like my previously infamously zero muscle mass arms are starting to take shape and one day I love it and the next I’m hating myself in the mirror. This is gonna be a tough journey for me. Like I should be proud that I have such strong legs, and I do live for that burn after doing 10 miles or whatever, but I can’t get over how thick they are. It’s like it’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
So right now I think I’m just working on feeling strong at least. My fitness goals don’t even really matter because I still have a disordered mind.
3:36 am • 5 March 2014
My life, what is my life. Well, out of no where, my mood has improved greatly this past week. No idea why. I feel like I’ve made a series of decisions that favor my happiness, but I can’t even place my finger on it. I did however buy myself a single ticket to see my all time favorite band, that I’ve never seen before bc they never tour. I started listening to them when I was 16, when my depression and ED really started going downhill, and my whole life just took a different turn. This band just always takes me back to one place and keeps me there. So now that I’ve actually bought the ticket, I feel like nothing can stop me. Also I’m still not all in my head. I’m out of conversations, the present tense just constantly feels like the fucking dream world. Whatever.
So I’m asleep last night, this morning I guess, and I’m woken up by my phones text message tone. It’s a number not in my contacts, and it’s nearly fucking 4:30 am. I open it and it says “hey it’s mike” wow ok lol. I don’t even know why he’d assume I’d be around to answer a text at that time. He should just call and wake me up like he always does lol. But I answered and he asks me what I was doing (in bed lol) and he says lets kick it for a while. I didn’t get a chance to reply and tell him no before he called me haha. And I heard his voice. I told him no bc it was almost 5 and he was like is it?? Lol. He asks what I’m doing up then, and I said he woke me up (shouldn’t he know? Like always). I tell him I can’t bc I have work later and then he doesn’t push it which I liked bc he respected that lol. He says to hit him up later and then we say goodnight and hang up lol.
And I felt strangely happy. Like a deep hole I have slowly being filled up with cement. Lol. Like, the last thing I’ll hear before I go back to sleep is his voice, like I used to. So I went back to sleep with a slight smile on my face, and fucking dreamt the worst. Not only do I dream of him, I dream of Jess, and exactly what her reaction would be. Enraged, totally upset screaming and yelling at me ready to literally hit me as before I know it I have her back in my arms bc even my dreams know it, I’m terribly in love with her.
And like, I really don’t think I love mike like that anymore, but once I did fall in love with him it was just easy and I miss that. It’s so hard to love Jess. It’s tiring, with him it was too natural. I know the difference. With her it’s opposites attract (funny since we’re both girls) and with him, were exactly the same person ahah.
I just want to be free though.
3:36 pm • 2 March 2014
Also irrationally pissed off bc I’m like almost definitely gonna have to eat something tomorrow morning. But probably still won’t.
Apparently I’m the best employee rn so they wanna see how I do a certain job so I’m not tryna fuck up especially since I feel like shit rn annnd I work with satan aka Ronnie tomorrow lmaooo.
I hate eating.
I can’t believe I’m doing so well at work when I’m nearly literally falling apart in actuality.
I hate eating ahaha.
4:46 am • 28 February 2014
Losing it. Definitely without a doubt losing it. Like, entering the point where I’m never really fully in my head anymore, and I’ve started dissociating regularly, and I’m bordering on hallucinating again I think. Sometimes it feels like English isn’t my first language. I will look at a word and have no idea what it says or means, or read it totally different bc I can’t remember what sound a letter makes. I’m just not here. I want so badly to not be a part of my body I’m just..leaving my head. Idk. And the ONLY thing I actually want is to run away. Again. This is really sad. But it’s like..scary now bc, I have friends who are really expecting me to do the grown up thing and save up and get a place together with them in a year or whatever, but that’s noooot what I want. I know I’ll be so unhappy just rooted in one place. It doesn’t matter. I need no attachments. I’m starting to get it. Idk. I’m almost ready to let go. I want to let go.
When you look at it in perspective, I have 5 years left to live. Really realistically. It’s real now, more than ever. Once I turned 22, I realized I was serious. I am really going to kill myself before I turn 30, unless something really changes.
I no way want to spend the last years of my life sitting in one place, working one or two jobs I’m not crazy about, doing pretty much the same thing, stressing out about my head space. I’m always gonna feel like this, so I might as well run while I can. And who knows, maybe I’ll find someone, something, someplace that changes things for me.
And with my mind already made, it just kills me even more to hear everyone else making all these plans for me. Please stop making plans for me. Please let me plan my own life. It is my own.
Well today I finally went back to the gym. I am really gonna try going. I took pre workouts hahah. Made me sooo sick, I’m still hella nauseous. Idc though. I saw Baby. She just..idk. I was talking to her, were just all talking. And she’s commenting on my body, about how “small” I am. She tells me I look like a little girl. Mind you when her and I were bffs, I was 5’5”, 170-180ish, and she was like 4’11” and idk I think she was like 115-120 at the time (I remember she thought she was fat & wanted to lose weight). Sooo I’m used to people commenting on my size now I guess but I’m just like “yah I know I lost my boobs” and she’s like “yea where did they go!” And she’s saying how basically my boobs were all out there and all me before. Like she’s one of those girls. Idk what she’s trying to say, I still have dangerous curves lol. She was there earlier and she made another little snide comment like “you do hella cardio huh??” (I don’t I don’t work out at all) buuut we allll know the stereotype that girls that do hella cardio are hella skinny with no ass bc they’re afraid to lift and get bulky lol. And she was like saying basically I should do hella squats but she was saying it in a nice way?? Idk how to explain it. I honestly don’t know if she even realizes how rude she is, even after being her best friend. She’s that clueless. Whatever. I also only ate like 2 servings of pretzel gold fish today :( I have no idea where my appetite is lately its so weird even when I’m high :(
4:37 am • 28 February 2014
I think that I’m losing it.
I’m already very high but I just mechanically packed another bowl because of my anxiety levels skyrocketing, not even registering how high I still was. I’ve been smoking way more lately trying to cope.
3:11 am • 11 February 2014
Yeaa so nothing really makes sense. It’s the same thing. The same type of self-loathing. I don’t even have any motivation to properly hate myself, but it’s definitely there. I’m not worth it. Not worth the effort.
Today mike requested to follow me on IG, which was very out of nowhere. I’m always hoping he’s really forgotten about me this time. But I know he never will. Of course he immediately comments on whatever I happened to just upload. I can’t deny I do miss him. Or maybe it’s that I miss everything else about him. How he made me feel. I miss being (positively) passionate about someone. Looking at someone and knowing you love them for the right reasons. Knowing you fell in love with all the right parts of that person. It’s like…he could have left me at any second and I was fine with that because I could have left at any second too and fuck that’s all I want from anybody. That kind of understanding. No one gets it I guess. Now I’m just alone. And that’s ok because I like that too. And the last thing I remember mike telling me, the last few times we slept together, was that I was so skinny. And I guess I’m ok with that. I’m pretty sure in the middle of my brain that’s exactly what I’ve wanted for the past 3 or 4 years. That’s why id be fine if he forgot me now, but he won’t. But I also know he won’t remember the passion I had for him, so it’s just a general lost cause. It’s all good. I’m gonna do what I want I guess.
3:12 am • 26 January 2014
I finally gave in and went to see my GP and told him I was pretty depressed. He wrote me up a nice little prescription for Prozac and told me I could call up psychiatry, that it sounded like a good idea. Lol. So I’ve been taking that for like 3 days now. Just feel only slightly more out of it. And today I called mental health to make an appointment. Felt totally judged and stupid and everything. But whatever. I am beyond terrified to be taking these steps. The whole time I was on the phone with the lady on my break, I was forcing myself not to hang up. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like a prisoner in my own head.
2:21 am • 16 January 2014
Oh yea at the gym I did 12.7 miles on the bike at like a 9/10 resistance I guess idk exactly how it works. And then we did a mile on the treadmill real quick. And then a few selectorized machines that I had know idea how to use even tho I’m around them every single day lmao. Just a very quick session. To get over my fucking anxiety lmao. We’re gonna go again tomorrow I guess.
3:42 am • 9 January 2014
Everything is starting up. I don’t know how to get everything out. I’ve finally decided amongst myself to see the doctor. Idk how well that will go. I’m gonna ask my new doctor to refer me to the psychiatrist again, since the last time I saw mental health was like 5 years ago or something. And I’m gonna go see my neurologist again. Idk where this is all gonna go but I figure I have to do something. I don’t REALLY wanna get stuck in my wintertime blues, not with all I have to and should really get done.
I went to the gym today (to work out) for the first time in over a year. I was terribly anxious over it all day nonstop. Didn’t help that we were so fucking busy nonstop also. But Jamie made me, and I’m glad. I got into it. Surprisingly didn’t faint, or even feel sick. Or even get a headache. And I haven’t even eaten today. I know, bad start. Not the healthy start I wanted to try out. But I really honestly feel like I gained 10 lbs after feeling so good about getting down to 132 so I’m just gonna be like this for a while. Everyone is pressuring me nonstop and I can’t take it. I hear constantly how I need to eat. And then when I eat and eat and eat, I hear rude little jabs about how much I’m EATING. And I can’t help but snap back “isn’t this what you wanted?! IM EATING!!!” But honestly I can’t keep doing that to spite everyone. And hate myself more in the end. I would just be so happy to never hear or see about food again. And all this needs to stop before my relationship with food is even more tarnished forever.
I’m about to smoke before bed and I have a granola bar next to me that I brought to the gym in case I got too faint, and I’m scared I’ll eat it right now. I shouldn’t be afraid of a fucking granola bar but I am and this is completely ridiculous. I can see this but I can’t change it.
2:41 am • 9 January 2014