I’ll probably only have lost 3-5 lbs by the time I leave, IF I’m lucky =\
Still ok with that. If it puts me under 150, I’m ok with that.

10:54 am  •  23 May 2013

Sooo I don’t wanna speak too soon, but I finally think I’m back on track. 2 days ago I managed to go all day but then I cracked and ate a pretty big dinner. I was trying to fast to “clear my system”, just a thing I do. Yesterday I managed to do it tho. I had a couple sips of apple juice and it made me feel grotesquely full, as is not surprising. I cleaned all day and moved furniture. I’m having tea right now and will probably do more cleaning, as I was already doing as soon as I woke up. I already feel slightly thinner, which is nice because I’ve been feeling like a giant fucking manatee or some shit for the past month and a half and I’m tired of it. Last night my headache returned, just from one solid day of not eating. It’s the price I knowingly pay I guess. I hate to say I’m ok with it. I’ll get used to it again soon. I leave town in like.. A little more than a week, sooo I really hope I can maintain my dedication and drop a good amount of weight by then. And hopefully keep losing while I’m there. Idk if its wishful thinking to wanna get back to 140 by the time/while I’m there? I wouldn’t think so, these pills usually make me lose fast.
And I’m wondering what I will eat while I’m there. I was thinking I’d use my money to buy a couple things, cheap low cal things. Some cheap veggies and fruit lol. Maybe bring my peanut butter lol.

2:41 pm  •  22 May 2013

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)

2:31 pm  •  22 May 2013  •  137 notes

I am trying so hard, like I am trying everything in my power, not to have a break down. Not to fucking hate myself. Not to fucking tear my skin off, not to bash a fucking hammer into my thigh repeatedly. I just dont know. It’s hard, really fucking hard to stay positive. Or even just to stay fucking neutral. Neutral! Can you believe that?! The urge to run away is getting worse. It’s just bubbling under my skin. I’m gonna start the process of getting rid of all my shit today. Im oh so antsy. It gets worse and worse by the day. I don’t think anyone I know understands what I mean. I tell Jen, and she says “Yea man this anxiety sucks, here just take a hit” and I’m just like nooooo she doesnt GET IT. I dont WANT TO TAKE A HIT. Weed does NOTHING FOR ME. I don’t even enjoy smoking anymore. It makes me more antsy and its just yet another thing I have to do in my day. Another thing I HAVE to do. A task, a job. I don’t want those. I hate feeling on edge. And I’m always on edge. I want to jump. But everyone’s always conditioned me to think that jumping is wrong.

I didn’t know what to do with myself and wanting to avoid negative thoughts and feelings, I texted a friend. And old friend, one of my oldest and best. But then I don’t know what to say. Maybe it because he already makes me feel better, maybe its because I know he understands, or maybe its because I just don’t want to bother anyone. I just dont know. I want to talk to Jess sooo badly, but I don’t want to bother her. I don’t want to bother her. I can’t bother her. I want to let her be happy, but she wants my attention, she just doesnt want my feelings. She can’t have both go her way though..

this is a bad day. I can already tell this is a bad day.

4:09 pm  •  20 May 2013

(Source: shmegeh)

4:57 am  •  17 May 2013  •  65 notes

(Source: philguillou, via iwillbeonefifteen)

4:54 am  •  17 May 2013  •  6,757 notes

hananokao:

-

(via ghostlystoner)

4:51 am  •  17 May 2013  •  2,677 notes

So today I checked how much I weigh for the hell of it. And I GAINED a little more wtf!!!!!! So I right away called in my prescription, and then googled what happens if you’re off it for a month. Apparently if you quit it cold turkey without tapering off, it CAN and probably will make you gain weight, fast. Omg. I feel a lot better knowing that my weight gain is not all me eating and stuff, and just my body reacting weird. Fuckin thank god. So I started my doses over since its been so long. I’m sooo happy to be back on it. I just hope I don’t have too hard of a time.
I’m gonna get back on track, most definitely. I leave to Oregon in 2 weeks so…I hope I lose 10 lbs D;

2:03 am  •  17 May 2013

Soo. This past weekend Jess came into town with Eric and Omar. I wasn’t gonna like..bother her to hang out. She told me not to give her shit about not seeing me, so I just wasn’t gonna care. I was picking up Jen from work when ERIC calls me lol. He says he was with Jess and Eric and was I guess asking if I wanted to hang out. He asked me if I was down to do some lines but I declined saying I was broke, and he just told me to hit him up in 20 minutes when they were back in town. I didn’t tho. Like…idk don’t have your boys hit me up. Stop trying to prove something. I know she have him my number I’m sure. But if she wants to hang out, she should call me. It’d be nice to hear her voice. But whatever.
Last night, Rachel texted me and told me she’s happy with herself. And that she’s glad she didn’t kill herself. Made me sooo happy. I didn’t realize how heavy she’s on my mind. I mean I’m constantly wondering about her, and I’m seeing her doing fun things an I just hope and pray that she’s ok. I wish I didn’t have to worry about her, but she was always on my mind, hoping she was ok enough to hold on. I know it’s hypocritical and selfish of me, but of course I wanted her to change her mind. But I never told her not to because its not my place, what with how much I also wanted to die. Remember, the night Rachel told me she was going to kill herself, I went and texted Jess, just needing someone, and she was there. I never told her why. But Rachel telling me she’s happy just…idk flipped a switch for me? A small one. I woke up and made sure I appreciated life. Then I went out with Rachel and that weird guy she wanted to hook me up with before. While I was sitting there I thought that I would definitely hit Jess up today. And then nearly immediately, the next time I picked up my phone I had just gotten a text from her. “You hate me you never hit me up anymore :(” hahaha oohh noo. I told her she knows I don’t hate her. We kept talking, she asked me to come out and see her..haha still don’t know.
I’m trying to condition myself back to mike, or the idea of him, and every single time I make some progress, she pops in again. I know she doesn’t want me so why not just let it be? Instead of guilt tripping me for not talking to her. She knows how I still feel. I hate that I let this stupid girl get to me!! I hate that I still want her approval ):
I hate that she can come back whenever she pleases and ruin everything.

9:57 pm  •  14 May 2013

smallandlovely:

today.

7:45 pm  •  13 May 2013  •  2,411 notes

(Source: roswel, via smallandlovely)

7:34 pm  •  13 May 2013  •  1,313 notes

(Source: thebestpartyever, via smallandlovely)

7:33 pm  •  13 May 2013  •  1,735 notes

ewoksandwrackspurts:

I wish self-esteem campaigns would focus less on “everyone is beautiful” and more on “who the fuck cares if you are beautiful or not”

(via ghostlystoner)

7:32 pm  •  13 May 2013  •  41,376 notes

le21janvier:

.

(via more-cocaine-blues)

7:32 pm  •  13 May 2013  •  9 notes

Everything in my life is triggering as fuck right now. I’m kind of thinking I’m gonna go back to Mike soon but it kind of terrifies me. What if I’m too different? I’m just looking for something to bring me back down to earth while simultaneously making me feel like I’m never coming down. That was always him, but I fear he doesn’t have that power over me anymore. It’s that time where I’m looking for something to fill my void, but I’m scared nothing can anymore. And I feel a little bad to think I might be “using him”. Don’t know why though.
Last night I overheard my dad telling my brother that we all suck and that my sister is the only one worth a damn.
I will never forget that. It is etched into my mind, and it will never fade. That is what my dad thinks. Well you know I’d like to have everything handed to me as well, but I just don’t. I will never again be able to believe a positive thing my dad tells me. I will never believe he’s proud of me or he loves me as much as he says. I just can’t believe that just days ago he was begging me to hold on, telling me that if anything happened to me he wouldn’t be able to go on. And then he so easily says what’s REALLY on his mind?? That I’m doing nothing and am worth nothing?? Yea, I knew this already. But thanks. He doesn’t want me to live because its worth it, he wants me to live because he wouldn’t know how to deal with it.
This is never going to stop hurting me.

I realize that while I’m not as obviously depressed, I’m still worse than ever. My friends don’t see me sitting there staring blankly at nothing, but they have no idea what I’m keeping from them. God I’m just so fucking tired of hiding and making it seem like I’m fine. I’m doing this to make things easier for them, not me. I’m doing this to make sure they’re comfortable, not me. I guess I’ve just been dwelling on my state of mine lately. I know that I’m constantly pushing people away. No one wants this burden, they really don’t. They encourage me to come to them, but no one really wants my burden. So what do you do when no one wants the real you?? I’m struggling with this.

7:31 pm  •  13 May 2013